I think I finally have a better grip, a better grasp of this.
First let me publicly apologize to anyone hurt or offended by my previous post at Facebook. It is not right to judge, even indirectly. I am truly and deeply sorry.
I did need to say those things. I needed to air those emotions out. Get that poison out of my system. I may not be in the place I am now if I hadn’t.
So here it is in a nutshell. Really more like an onion where I keep peeling back the layers to get to the core of this thing. OK, so here it is in an onion.
I am not meeting my desires. I am not freely experiencing my emotions, which means, according to Deepak Chopra, that I am blocking myself from passion. This is something I have done for a long time. Because of fear, when I was younger, I isolated myself in front of a computer. I wore a mask of boredom over my fear, I guess ultimately, of rejection. But I needed to feel, so I substitute real passion for something manufactured – in my case Unreal Tournament. This started many years of level design, modeling and related interests, which I was never really good at, probably because I had blocked myself off from real passion. The distraction of these and other things at the computer were where I could, and did, retreat whenever I was afraid or hurt.
I wanted to go out and do something on Halloween last night. I told myself that Halloween mattered to me. But this was another mask, another disguise. What really mattered was going out there. I desire human contact. I desire intimacy, and the things that naturally spring from that. I desire companionship. So really I wanted to go out because of these desires. But it would have done me no good. Because there is still fear. All my life I have received reinforcement of a negative belief that my desires don’t matter, usually translated into I don’t matter or my needs don’t matter or even I don’t care. Every time I was rejected or my attentions were not returned this wrong belief was reinforced. The resulting emotional knot twists into self-hatred and self-judgment, which itself twists natural desires in unnatural ways. Even not going to a movie last night, though my own decision under the guise of helping my dad unwind, was both a fear response and a reinforcement of long-hold beliefs that my needs are not important!
If any of this is striking a chord in you pay attention! I have often used the analogy of a prisoner escaping. Well I think I am finally seeing a way to escape from my own personal torment, and I want to share the way out with my fellow inmates.
It starts with letting go of false beliefs that have become such a part of your identity you may not be sure how to separate yourself from them. Just release them and let them go. To God, the Source, the Universe, Allah, or simply say I release this and let it go. These false beliefs include, but are not limited to, thoughts that you are not worthy, that you don’t matter, that nobody cares, that you are stupid or unintelligent, that you are undesirable, that you are unwanted, etc. Any negative, hurtful thing you believe about yourself subconsciously or subconsciously. To figure out what you believe subconsciously, simply take the time to listen to your inner dialogue, to the things you say to yourself in your mind, or about yourself in the things you write. Track these false beliefs down, release them and let them go. Visualize them if you want as something that disintegrates and floats away.
Next you have to deal with the bad programming you have received, and which has been reinforced, all your life as a result of your former beliefs. Affirmative I Am statements are needed here. For me, right now, they are, “I Am Worthy. I Am Enough. I Am Loved.” For you they may be different. It is always the opposite of what your programming is causing you to think and feel. So if you feel powerless you say, until you feel no more resistance, “I Am Powerful.” Because this feeling of powerlessness comes from a belief that you are powerless, which in turn comes from some other issue. Another one that probably everyone needs is, “I Am Loved.” Say these to yourself, looking into your eyes in the mirror, every time you use the restroom. Repeat them whenever you need to, for as long as you need to. Once you have let go of the belief you have to reprogram, or rewire, yourself to think differently. Once you have let go of the belief that you are powerless, all that is left is its programming, and that is changed by the I Am statement.
Then we come to the stage where I think I may be located. As the new, affirmative and positive programming is taking over, the deep internal issues begin to come up. Like shaking a glass where dirt has settled in the bottom. A lot of garbage comes to the surface, causing things like what I wrote at Facebook last night. We are cleaning ourselves up here, purifying ourselves, getting rid of all the wrong beliefs we have about ourselves, many of which we adopted from the 3 f’s (friends, family and faith) Most, if not all, of our beliefs are not even our own! As we let go of them we are thinking in new, positive and affirmative ways. So as these deep issues rise to the surface we need to get them out. I don’t know what the best way is. Try multiple outlets, one should speak to you better than others. You can draw or paint. You can write in a personal notebook or start a public blog. You can walk out into the backyard and scream. You can write music or sing it out. Find the medium that works for you, or mediums, and use them. Release this stuff, clear your core.
At my core I have self-hatred and self-judgment. I have been slowly (it does take time) eroding these false beliefs, these core feelings, by looking in the mirror and telling myself, “I Am Loved.” These things at my core, and anything else I may not be aware of yet, have resulted in the twisting of my desires along unnatural channels. That twisting was aided by suppression and my former religion, Christianity. You can see the problem with loving yourself as a Christian if your religion, which has become a part of your identity, tells you that you are a sinner and that you have to be saved. To my mind it is impossible to love yourself if that is what you believe about yourself. It is also impossible to be empowered, because you have to be saved, you have to trust God to help you, so in essence you are powerless either way! It is also impossible for you to not be judgmental, especially against yourself, because you are bad when you sin, and only good when you ask forgiveness for your sins. Bad, good, right, wrong, these are all human perceptions enforced by human religions. Evil does not exist outside human beliefs. The world is neither bad nor good. It simply is. But if you are a Christian you can not help but see the world as one extreme or the other, and worse you can not help but see yourself and others that way.
So if you are a Christian, or a part of any similar religion, it will be harder to deal with the issues at your core. But it is possible. You just have to frame it in the terms of your religion. Maybe instead of saying, “I Am Loved” you will have to say, “God Loves Me.” Instead of, “I Am Worthy” you say, “Through Christ I Am Worthy.” Something like that. The main point here is to stop reinforcing any wrong beliefs you have about yourself that are hurting you.
What is the point of all this, you may ask? To end cycles of hurt, pain and suffering, inside ourselves and our relationships. To allow us all to experience the pure form of our desires, not their twisted counterparts. To open ourselves up to passion, which is the free expression of our emotions. To laugh until we can’t laugh anymore or cry until the last tear has been shed. To freely feel whatever it is we need to feel instead of repressing it. If we can learn to love ourselves, or at least see ourselves as loveable, we can love others, and see them as loveable. If we can love ourselves, or see ourselves as lovable, we can love our partners, and see them as lovable. As trite as it may sound, love really is the ultimate solution to all our problems.