I have a few things I would like to do here. First of all a huge thank you and blessing for all that helped my body heal from whatever it was it was fighting.
Secondly I am excited to report that I have had a breakthrough today! This morning I woke up and started on my three morning pages as assigned by Julie Cameron in her book, “The Sound of Paper” I realized something. That I Am An Artist.
I guess I have always denied this. I remember seeing the drawings of my cousin Shadow, and the work of his brother Chris. I remember seeing work by a friend and mentor named Jepson. I remember my mom’s work on her piece of music. Maybe I thought there was no room for me, or that I wasn’t a good as them, or something.
I have also been at war with myself. Obviously I have the ability to write. I did try to get published, but when I discovered the 80,000 word minimum for fiction, and after I received rejection letters for everything I submitted, I sort of gave up. I guess I like telling stories. I like sharing things that I have learned. But I never really saw myself as a writer. Maybe I thought that life wasn’t exciting enough or special enough or something? I think also with the whole artist thing in general I was plagued with doubts. You read how few artists are ever wealthy or successful. I have this other dream in my mind to design and help build my own house. Obviously I have to have a lot of money to do that.
It has been a struggled. I was raised by and am surrounded by limit-minded people. That is my parents, as much as I love them. have built-in poorness programming, installed in them from their own parents, at least on my dad’s side. I am not sure they even want to be rich. But I do. They also believe in limits and lack. I do not. But I received the same programming they did, and I have been in the process, especially during the last few years, started with ACN, of changing those internal instructions. Still it is very hard to have a mindset that runs contrary to everyone else’s around you. It’s especially difficult when you go to a Sangha after yoga class and the instructor asks you essentially what you’re doing with your life.
But finally a breakthrough this morning. The peace I had afterwards, and the immediate effect it has had on me, words don’t really do justice. Suffice it to say I dug out an old computer carrying case and made my own artist portfolio, complete with handmade cardboard pencil holders. Even I was impressed by the unusually good engineering I was able to do. It’s as if a huge dam has broken and crumbled. I have decided to, “Follow my bliss…”, do what I enjoy doing, and trust the Source to provide. I released all the old beliefs I had, mindsets, everything. No worries about making enough money to have the life I want to have. All things are possible and I am connected to the source of all resources, wealth included. How can I ever be poor?
Now I am looking forward to my next drawing time. Spending what funds I have for my artistic needs. Just got a cheap little Sumi brush collection so I can play with automatic, expressive drawing. I know that rendering is not my specialty, but I am OK with that. Working at any art will strengthen all artistic muscles. I Am a computer artist (level design, modeling, textures), and a sketch/drawing artist, and a writer (poetry, non-fiction instructional articles, short stories.) I find my niche, wherever it is. I Am Awake to who I truly am, hence the saying I posted before this.
Do not deny who you really are. You truly do know, just as I did. It was not so much a realization but a ceasing of hiding the truth from, of deceiving myself. I knew I was an artist. I have said I Am an Artist before. But my heart was not in it. Even now I picture that dragon Shadow drew years ago and I am tempted to compare. I ignore the evidence hanging here on my wall that I can draw just as well. The only thing I lack is patience. But that is OK too. It will also come with the practice of what I enjoy doing, my art. Find what you enjoy doing and do it. Even if you have a family make that priority number 1.
But you have to be sure that it is truly your thing. I distracted myself by buying a guitar telling myself I always wanted to play it. But I am a lyricist and possibly a singer. Not a guitar player. I have more fun with my packing tape frame drum. Once you wake up to the truth, once you allow yourself to do that, once you know for sure, go after it. It may impact your family and dependents negative in the short run. But if you trust whatever you call God to provide for you, if you are doing what you love to do, things will work out, and it will be better for you and your loved ones in the long run.
I can’t claim that things will be easy. But they will be worth working hard for. Can you say that about what you are doing right now? If not you are living a lie. You really are violating one of the 10 commandments. You are bearing false witness. To yourself and to whatever or whoever you call God. You were not made to fall in love, get married, and have a family. Nor were you made to flip hamburgers, wash toilets, runs items across a scanner, lug boxes around, or drive all over the country.
There is something that speaks to you. You ignored this voice for so long you can’t hear it any more. But it is still there, waiting for you to hear it again. That voice is telling you what you love to do, what you most enjoy, and if there is any dream, any purpose to anyone’s life, it is to pursue that thing, whatever it is, with reckless abandonment. No excuses, no exceptions, I don’t care what your life circumstances may be! It is in ignoring that voice that you slowly destroy yourself and suffer the consequences of your actions. It is not karma, justice or punishment. It is just cause and effect. If you are not doing what you enjoy, what you are passionate about, if you are not “following your bliss”, then your life will remain unfulfilled and no matter how rich or poor you are you will know it.
For my part that means I have to teach, because I am good at it and as much as I used to deny it I enjoy it. I love to be able to help others in this way. For the same reason I have to write, because I secretly do enjoy this as well, even though I have denied that fact for so long when I write it is as if I don’t feel anything. But the feelings are there. Obviously I am passionate about writing, just look at this post! And finally I have to sketch, draw or scribble, design levels, models and textures, maybe even sing. But I can’t do these to anyone else’s standards. I must do these things my own way, the way that works for me, the way I am happiest doing them. If I can find training that fits with this great. If not then I am on my own, but that’s OK. I can trust the Source that if and when I need a teacher one will come. What is there to worry about?
It is time to wake up. You have been asleep for so long. You are a bud and the winter has long passed. It is time to open to the warmth of the sun and let people see who you truly are inside! You have so much beauty to share with the world, for your own enjoyment and the enjoyment of others. I look forward to the sweet perfume of you doing whatever it is that you are passionate about!