Letting Go

If there is one thing, just one, that should habitually performed it would be this. Better than taking a shower or washing your teeth every day. Sitting back, looking honestly inside, and just just releasing, letting go, of whatever you are holding on to. You know there is a holding on there because if you are aware of your body at all you feel tight inside. You can feel the same sorts of things you feel if you had your fists clenched.

One of the worst things you could do to yourself and others is hold on. Hold on to that grudge, that depression, that belief, those thoughts, your preconceived notions and even your idea of reality. It is as if we have put ourselves in a cage and the only things holding is in there is our clenched fists holding the door in place. Worse we can be holding on and not even really realize is, doing it subconsciously, as I discovered I have been doing tonight.

Let this post serve as a public announcement, on the record. There is the me I was, the me I am, at this moment, and the me I am becoming. All these mes were chosen by me, whether I was aware of it or not. The me I am becoming is someone who si attuned to the Source. Someone who vibrates at the highest possible levels and as a result draws only things in life to him that match that frequency. The me I was, he was someone that did not know all I know now. He did the best he could with what little knowledge and spiritual understanding he had. He was mean towards his brother, vengeful, jealous, lonely, depressed, angry and his thought patterns subconsciously forced a reality on him that he did not consciously want. No wonder he felt trapped and powerless! The me I am now is in the process of being reborn into the me I am becoming. He has cast away the last few threads connected him to his old self. He has realized some things, as of today, that he had been blind to.

So as of this day, while reading Emmet Fox’s, “Sermons on the Mount” (which I highly recommend) and thinking about what the author was saying in reference to Jesus’s teachings, the truth of them, I decided that I wanted to, needed to, let go of all my previous beliefs about sexuality. Specifically I have let go of my beliefs about gay relationships and natural physical design. Why? Because I realized that I was subconsciously exerting a lot of energy on something I did not want. I did not agree with such relationships. I resolved to be loving and accepting, to not judge or criticize, by my very beliefs created the right environment for judgement and criticism to grow and flourish, whether or not I was aware of it. On top of that by spending energy thinking about this subject, looking as it were at “…the mote in my brother’s eye…” I gave the very thing I was against power. This really is a great cosmic joke. It is the things you do not want that you most easily will receive. So I released those beliefs, and let a little more of the old me slip away. But the Source was not done with me yet!

You see I made a request, a few actually, what, in my former Christiam life would have been thought of as a prayer. yes, it turns out that non-Christians can, and do, pray too. This specific request was for, and I quote myself, “The absolute best, most immediate sexual companionship.” Hopefully I do not need to explain myself here or paint any pictures.  Unfortunately for the present me, there was still some past me fragments I had been holding onto, and for the same reason I had to let go of my previous beliefs about sexuality, I had to let go of these as well.

It turns out I had this preconceived idea of beauty. That is what man, in this age, generally considers beautiful. But here is the thing… Diamonds only have value because man places value on them. Likewise beauty and ugliness and creations of humanity, defined by humanity and its collective perception. A few hundred years ago fat women were probably considered beautiful, just look at Renooir’s nudes!

So what I am getting at here is I had this idea that the person I enjoy, and am enjoyed by, sexually has to be someone that when she is naked I want to look at. Which means if she has more love handles than me I would not find her very attractive. An I know all about inner beauty, but to be crass one does not make love to inner beauty. Nor does one’s private parts respond in any way to notions of how amazing someone is inside.

But the problem here is that I was subconsciously focused, yet again, on something I did not want. I did not know this. I suspected there was an issue to be addressed, and the Source handled that this evening. At Canned Food a very nice girl probably near my own age struck up conversation with me. She, upon later reflection, is probably one of those people who are beautiful inside. Smiling, ready to laugh, good sense of humor. I liked what I heard by was looking at the candy as she suggested a cookie I had touched and looked at. After she had spoken and I heard her laugh I turned to look. No, she didn’t have a long crooked nose with a wart on the end. Nothing like that. But she was definitely, from what I could see of her face and build, about 50 pounds or so overweight. Not horrible or anything, but certainly someone who did not meet my standards of beauty at that moment. My reaction was to, somewhere inside myself. reject her instantly. Criticism and judgement. Not good. She had done nothing to merit this inner tunred-offness on my part. She had been pleasant, made the first move, laughed and been a very enjoyable person to be around.

No, I did not beat myself up in the car later. But I realized this was probably what Fox figured was meant by “…those who persecute you…” My old man, or Old Adam as he says, was persecuting me. I was slightly annoyed I admit at the Source here. I mean 90% of the guys around me don’t have to go through all this crap to get laid. Seriously. How many frikkin’ hoops do I have to jump through before I can experience sloppy, sweaty sex in all its physical messiness? But then I realized that the Source was helping me. In fact I realize now that it was perhaps answering an unspoken request. I did say somewhere or allude to the fact somewhere that I may have had some sort of an issue here. Now I know what it was.

I had created this standard of beauty that nobody could meet, which kept me safe from rejection. I had been hurt in the past and this was my response, a rejection-protection mechanism. Unfortunately this also drew the very sort of females to me that I did not want t be with sexually. Older females (mostly) or those who simply were not beautiful by my standards. I always wondered why no really hot girls every paid much attention to me. My subconscious focus on what I did not want drew that very thing to me, and this combined with my previous standards of beauty pushed everyone away. I created and enforced and reality of loneliness and monkish celibacy for myself, and I’m a very horny guy with an very active libido so obviously this was not healthy for me. I am a passionate, sensitive and sexual creature by nature, almost the male equivalent of a nymph, and I need to live in accordance to that nature, not against it. No wonder I was so angry as a teenager!

So I wrestled with Old Adam briefly, then realized that much like Jacob and whoever he wrestled with I could not win that way, so I let go of my previous beliefs about beauty. More of the previous me fell away, and I became still more like my future me. Ultimately it all comes down to trust. Do I trust the Source absolutely, to provide for me, in short order, “the absolute best, most immediate, sexual companion for me”? I can not spend energy worrying about the appearance of this person I am soon to be with sexually. If I do I will only draw the sort of person to me that the old me did not want to see naked. This present me however, while still having an artist’s eye, knows that we all, regardless of how we look, need to feel loved and accepted. Not judged and criticized.

After all, they look that way because they created that reality for themselves. They can just sa easily created a new reality for themselves, one where they are naturally happy, and their appearance will change to reflect the new reality. When I started to think positively and decided to take up exercising in the form of body weight training, yoga, and Tai Chi I also found myself caring more about what I put into my body, taking better care of it, and before long I had dropped over 50 pounds. I am still, even today loosing weight. It took me over 20 years to gain this weight, it may take at least as long to fully loose. it. It also took me 20 years to develop these old though patterns, an it may take an equal amount of time to tune them in to the Source.

I just need to be patient, loving and accepting, not only of myself, but also of others. But I could not do that if I retained these old beliefs. Part of changing those old thought patterns is letting go, in this case, of old beliefs. Part of living an unlimited life is letting go of any ideas of scarcity or limitation. I have said it time and time again, Jesus said it, and its probably in every other religious text out there. We create our own realities. We condemn ourselves to Heaven or Hell. And you can’t get to Heaven by doing everything you can to avoid Hell, because then you only give Hell power over you. You must choose where to invest your power. This is also a part of letting go. Deciding that you will invest no more energy into that wrong belief or thoughts.

No for me, it is an active process of constant trust, refusing to entertain doubt, expectation that my request will be answered, faith that The Source knows best, and if there is any other thing of the old me I must release it will reveal it to me. It was time I finally let these old beliefs go, more than time. I can’t wait to see who the Source brings to me, or draws me to, whatever the case may be.

Are there any beliefs you are holding on to, that are keeping you in an undesired reality? Let them go, actively decide where you will invest your energy, and be sure to choose wisely.

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