04-20-2013

Over the last week or so I have found myself facing some troubling questions.

The first is this… Cali, a long-time friend and companion, is now a very old feline. She has started having what seem to be Grand Mal seizures and she is hurting herself, cutting her mouth inside.

Based on what little I know about animals I can guess that perhaps she does not have a sense of positive or negative thought, high or low vibration, wanted or not wanted. Which begs the question of where does cancer come from in animals?  In humans it can be traced back to some negative focus related to some part of the body. But that shouldn’t apply to animals.

In any case it is likely that Cali can not understand this concept of believing herself well. A human can do this, but not an animal, to my knowledge. Nor can I teach her were she capable of understanding, because she probably wouldn’t understand the words I’m saying to her.

That leaves me with just one way to deal with this… I can see her, remember her, healthy, vibrant, as she was when she was younger. But here’s the problem… How can I do that and still be aware of her cycle of attacks? I know they occur every 4-5 hours. I can’t do much but put a towel over her and gently keep her in place until the attacks subside, and I can talk quietly, reassuringly to her. That’s it.

So when she is with me, and the attack time is coming, how can I think positive, high vibration thoughts about her health while waiting for another seizure? It’s tough, the best I can come up with is to be there for her and see her healthy and tell myself she is well, she is healthy, feel and see that in my imagination, then if an attack happens (always if) and I am available simply be there for her. I just feel that I am undermining my ability to heal her by caring about her during these seizures.

That’s one thing, another is that I myself am fighting a bad bug. I am sick of coughing, I have a huge red spot on my left (as I recall) eyeball. I’m worried about that. Because of my health issues the lawn is fast becoming a jungle and I have to care for it – nobody else will. I rarely get paid for this, on the few occasions I do the money is very little. I am grateful for it of course, and I don;t expect payment, although I track my hours simply as a way of valuing myself and my work. But I have no expectations. Still I do feel responsible to care for the place. Maybe I feel responsible, that I have to work to stay here or something, even though before I moved here I made it very clear to dad and I think my grandmother that I would not be working here.

Here is another issue. This place. I want to get out, get away, go somewhere. But I have nowhere to go. I could bike out, live off the side of the road, but that’s it. I’m still having trouble finding a reason to live, my own dream. I have created a dream for myself and my absolute best reality to live for, but it smacks of the Christian faith of Heaven at this point. Which brings me to another question…

How long can I be expected to wait to either be found by or find someone? Can I set some arbitrary year, based on my own decision, not movies, my family or anything, to simply end my life if I am still alone? Then live expecting to meet and be with someone, work hard to manifest this reality which I created for myself, and when the appointed time comes just end it?

Say I set the time for 45. I decide that life after 45 alone would suck, I waited long enough, sex isn’t going to be good much longer. So I can give up then. But maybe that isn’t waiting long enough. Maybe 49 is better. Who wants to have sex for the first time at 50? Who wants to have sex at 50 at all? Maybe 49 is the year for me. Can I do this with no regrets? Is waiting another decade for a mate a reasonable amount of time to wait? How long can a man be expected to wait? If I am living here with my grandmother still, and I don’t know how I could last 10 years here, is this a long enough time to determine things are not going to change, maybe the process of manifesting works but I fucked up so it’s time to throw in the towel?

I just don’t know. All I do know is that I am sick of being sick, tired of dealing with Cali, determined not to put her to sleep just because I don’t want to deal with her, I feel if she is still fighting to live, eating, sleeping, walking around, that this is her way of telling me she’s not ready to go yet. So I will watch for a time when she may stop. Stop eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, stop moving around. That would be her way of telling me she was done. Can I kill her myself, a soul I have been with for half my life or more? Or would I have to pay a stranger to do it?

Then what about me. I am so alone here. Nobody to talk about spiritual matters with. Can’t seem to get my forums up and running well. Would have to build a community even if I did. Was kicked out of McCarthy’s forums. I have no spiritual community, no brotherhood – forget the word. Dharma? No Dharma. No teacher for that matter, just books. Maybe all I am reading is utter crap. How would I know?

The only thing I know for certain is that life as a Christian was bad. So it was time to try it outside of the constraints of religious beliefs and faith. I was a Christian for 15 years or so before I realized it was a dead-end road. Seems like I might have to put in a good decade into this path before I know if it’s the way or not. Works with my tentative termination date, should I decide to actually set it. There’s just a lot I would like to try, even do, before I leave the physical realm. But at this point I don’t see how I could do or experience any of those things. All I have is my belief, yes I guess I have to call it a belief, is that this manifestation process does work. But if it turns out it doesn’t then I am up shit creek without a paddle.

Well for now, until some answers or comfort – anything – comes, I will continue to work through math and programming. Keep myself busy. Focus on getting well then mowing the jungle – I mean lawn. Look forward to brighter, happier, more pleasurable days.

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