I have just started reading Louise L Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life.” This morning, when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, I was reading and encountered her mentioning some of the things she does with her patients. To begin with, she had them title a page with, “I should” then have them list all the things that come to mind. So I did this. Not only does she have them write these things out, she also asks them to say each item out loud. So I did that too. Then as they read each statement aloud she would ask, “Why?” So, lacking anyone to answer to, I wrote down and said aloud all of my whys. Finally she would have them go through the list, and with each item replace “I should” with, “If I really wanted to, I could.” For this list, as each item is read aloud, she asks, “Why haven’t you?” So I finished my work by going through most of my very extensive list and answering this for every item I now listed as, “If I really wanted to I could.” I made some substitutions here. For past things I would add a “have” or maybe answer with, “why don’t I?” By the time I had come to a stopping point in these exercises, I had realized a few important things about myself of which I had not previously been, consciously at least, aware.
I found 5 negative feelings cropping up. In order from greatest to least they were: Guilt, Hatred, Fear, Anger and Bitterness. I also discovered some deeply embedded beliefs. As of this morning, I have begun the process on working on these inner issues.
Guilt is the biggest issue for me. In fact I believe guilt has manifested, in physical form, on my body, in the form of a skin yeast infection. It makes sense because last year, through the holidays, I add a lot of sugary, starchy foods, and I had been working very hard all year to limit my intake of these. So when I ate these foods I didn’t just eat the food in a physical sense, I was also eating guilt in an energetic sense. My body, in an attempt to make me aware of the issue, manifested this irritating, itchy, bloody (and spreading) yeast infection. I should note that I knew better. This statement, about eating the negative emotion with the food, is not my own. I learned it last year from something I had read. But, like so many truths I have learned, it slipped away into the cracks of my memory and I did not recall it.
Hatred was next. It is very specifically directed. Following that was fear, also very specific. Tied in with the hatred were anger and bitterness. I will not go into specific examples or great detail here. These are personal, inner issues. with this post I am acknowledging their existence as a first step to dealing with them.
What I will reveal however is that many of these negative emotions, if not all of them, have a common root. I think I was a little shocked to learn that in the case of someone I knew, who had recently killed herself, that I simply did not care. Ultimately she had hurt me by rejecting me, my advances, so many years ago, so anger and bitterness have kept me from loving or caring for her.
Because of that rejection and a few other examples I think I have come out of it feeling as if I am unattractive, unwanted, unlovable, undesirable – perhaps a few other uns. Tied in with some circumstances in my life surrounding my relationship with my mother, at some point I stopped loving myself, stopped caring about myself. Unfortunately it is very hard to care for or love others if you do not love yourself. This I think is the main issue, the main root of all the other issues.
I have to stop seeing myself as these uns, and instead see myself as loving, lovable, desirable, attractive, wanted, etc. I have to change my perception of myself. I have to let go of any bitterness, anger – any negative emotion I have towards others or myself. I have to forgive others and myself for any perceived wrong. I have to spend time reprogramming myself, loving myself, until the words manifest as a reality of love for myself, and at that point, or perhaps during this process, I will find that I love and care about others. Of course caring for myself, forgiving myself, will release the guilt I have been harboring, and allow this skin yeast infection to heal and clear up.
So this morning I closed my eyes and tried to visualize Katie, the girl who killed herself and who was once my friend. I only saw a sort of silhouette or white outline, I think have it one of her distinctive features when I knew her, really short hair. I also added the weight she seemed to have put on. Or maybe these things were already there, not sure. Then I started to talk to this idea or image or whatever of Katie. I will not go into details here, very personal. But I talked to her frankly and left nothing out about my feelings, what I wanted – laid it all out. I told her she had no right to kill herself. But that I loved her, cared for her, that I forgave her and hoped she was at peace. I told her that if she was a Christian when she died, and as a result ended up in hell, that she could free herself anytime she wanted. Hell was only real for her as long as she believed in it. While I did not get any specific impressions of her circumstances, or even that I was actually talking to anyone, much less Katie, for some reason I don’t feel she is in hell, and as I had now completely forgiven her I did not want her to be in any such place.
Much work lies ahead. I have to go over these notes, all these questions, ask any others that come to mind, write everything out, and suss out all these deep seated inner issues. The person I am now has nothing to do with the person I was. I have turned my back on my former Christian faith. Last night I told my parents that I was no longer a Christian. I know it must have hurt them. But I had to be clear on this, to not build up any more guilt by not telling them. So I am, in essence, reborn. I need to clean off the rest of embryonic sack from my old self and move on. I am very grateful to the universe, the Source, whoever or whatever is in charge, Hermetics call this force, “The All”, that I have been granted this extremely rare opportunity to recover from past abuse and rejection. It seems to me that too few people are able to do this, to break out of this particularity nasty trap.
When we are abused and rejected as children or teenagers we can, over time, come to a point where we hate ourselves and others. One of the especially disturbing things I discovered about myself is that I felt, at the time I wrote it (saying felt instead of feel because I am no longer spending energy in the reality of these negative feelings), in answer to, “If I really wanted to, I could love myself. Why haven’t I”, was: I was worthless, stupid, hating myself, hating life, I gave up, I quit, fuck it, I’m done, why should I, I should die, life sucks and I don’t want to. When you see these things pour out of yourself, its a real eye opener for sure! I get to spend time later asking why to these other, “I shoulds” that have cropped up. So, to say the least, there is much inner work ahead of me. But how many people actually get a chance to confront this stuff inside themselves, and furthermore, have clear direction as to what to do about it?
On other thing I made a note of was two distinct mental voices answering my various why questions. One was a little child’s voice. I picture a boy with his arms crossed against his chest, lower lip sticking out after saying, “I don’t want to!” The other was a younger man’s voice, although sometimes I could hear the child in it as well. His was the voice of hatred anger and bitterness. There was more of a maturity to what he said. I could, at the time I wrote it, probably even now, easily tell which answer came from the child and which answer came from the young man. I wonder if perhaps this idea of “soul loss” may be true, and if I might have pieces I have to go fetch from when I was a child and later as a young man. On the off-chance this was true, I invited each to me. I remembered what Robert Moss teaches his readers to do in his books. Figure out something to do that each of them would want. Easy enough. The child wants to have fun, wants to play. The young man wants to go out on a date and have sex.
So I committed myself to this year, when the money I need manifests, or if the opportunity manifests, whichever the case may be, I would go out and surf, maybe snowboard or ski, certainly play some games, maybe even sit down with a game today if I could. This should make both these previously lost aspects of myself happy. I committed to the young man that I would introduce to any female I met, follow the flow of conversation/interaction, let it lead where it will. Trust that if I am rejected, that it is not me. That this female is not the right one for me at that time. Understand that she too must have wrong perceptions and inner issues. Must feel as if she is worthless, undesirable, unlovable, or whatever the case may be. When I understand, when I realize, that others have suffered as I have, I can more easily love them. Ultimately if I am rejected it is my body that is rejected, the inner me is unfazed either way.
In this way I will not worry about age and society’s ideals of right and wrong. I will be with whoever is right for me at that time in my life, trusting that either she has attracted me into her life because this is the reality she has created for herself or what she needs at this time, or that she is the right one for me at that time. Whatever the case may be, if I flow and do not force, then it is the right course of action. I can trust that whatever happens, even if the interaction leads to sex, that this is right by a far higher authority than man’s.
So I made my commitments to each and welcomed them back into myself. Maybe more work is needed here, but for now I trust that I am a more integrated, complete soul than I was when I started these exercises, and certainly more complete then I have been even a few years ago. I have started telling myself, “I love you. You are attractive, desirable, worthy, loving and lovable.” I will continue to do so until the words become the truth of the reality I have created for myself that they represent.
I guess the most interesting thing about all of this is that I didn’t even buy this book for myself! That’s right. I bought it for a friend’s father, really my other best friend’s (I have two) father. Anyhow this man has cancer and is at home in hospice care. I had my dad drive me all the way over there to give him the book. I got a sermon instead. The man is a devout Christian. I respected his beliefs and did not push. But now, apparently, the book has found another purpose, or perhaps this was its true purpose all along.
Ultimately I have created a reality where I am a changed person, spiritually developing. Just like I have been taught in the books I have read, just like what I have personally experienced in other, minor ways, this reality I created seeks to manifest itself, and brings into my path, my life, whatever is needed to do so. Up until last night I never even considered the book as something I needed. How wrong I was! If you ever see this on a shelf somewhere, no matter what you believe, trust me, you should buy it, without hesitation.
I think this book, and perhaps others as well as some teachings, find their way into our lives right when we need them, or when someone else we are connected to needs them. Maybe someday in the near future you will open the book and begin reading. Or perhaps a friend will come over, spot the book, and begin reading. Whatever the case may be, if you see it, buy it, there is a reason its there for you to purchase.
This morning, after doing those exercises and talking to Katie, I was able to shed my first tears for her, since I received the news of her passing. Facing our inner issues and dealing with them may not be easy. We may resist. But if we can face them, let go of these negative emotions twisting us up inside, we ill find true freedom and happiness, no matter what our external circumstances may be.