Well I remembered a few of the other things I wanted to post about. Thought I’d take a few moments to do so now.
So there have been some very strange changes in me these last few months. Maybe even quicker than that. I used to hate this place. I still dislike it, know I have to leave, know its a honey pot, even if you do have to look hard to find the honey. Well maybe I’m just not so sure it’s the physical property and house. Not sure here. But in any case, I couldn’t care less about tending it. Didn’t have any urge, haven’t since I was a kid, to go out and work in the garden, or weed it, or rake, or do much else. I mow the lawn, clean up some of the fallen fruit, get firewood, work in the woodshed, but that’s about been it these last 4 years or so.
Now I did have a small desire to prune the trees and stuff and we have a chainsaw now so maybe that’s part of it. But now I’m thinking of making a raised bed and planting a few peach trees, one I’m trying to sprout from seed. Thinking about pruning the old apple and walnut trees as well as others. Thinking about getting out in the garden and pulling up some locust trees that have gone crazy on us this year. Thinking about helping dad with the blueberries, put away the soaker hose, mulch and prune.
I also realized at a greater level how my hatred towards this place made it worse. Well of course it does. I mean I’ve said as much about intentions, haven’t I? To a lesser extent, when a blackberry vine grabbed my legs and ripped me up tonight, I saw how my hatred could affect even them. I hack at them with a machete. I thought maybe I should prune them, grow them in one area where I care for them (we are overwhelmed with brambles here.) The hacking brings out my anger and hatred. But careful pruning should bring out love and change my attitude.
Well that’s one thing, sort of positive. This next bit, not so much. I’m coming to another crises of faith here. I’m seeing, although I seem to have blocked specific memories from my mind, that I may have to turn my back on my Christian faith. Which means no more backup. If there is only Heaven and Hell, if the Bible is true and the only correct religion, then I will be consigned to hell. This is not an intention I choose to set for myself or anything. This is what the Bible says happens to non-Christians. To my family I would be a pagan, some new age person. It would hurt them.
There are a few things here I’m dredging up from memory. One is that I’m trying to become a center of consciousness. Well that may mean I have to accept this idea that I am God, because a part of Him, or Him directly, is in me. This also means I could no longer believe in Satan. He would have to become some mythological figure. I would have to accept that everything is all man, and about men (and women, I use the male pejorative here.) In other words I could no longer even really believe in God because essentially He doesn’t exist. Just some vast energy source that we are all connected to. We are all together God, no external God created everything. Something like that. Flatly against the Christian faith.
But I am seeing more and more how religion is a leash. It is used my men to control other men. It is used to excuse war and murder. But the biggest issue is the way it programs a person so that they can not be open to other things outside their faith barring extraordinary circumstances or revelations. Basically religion makes us all sheep, easily controlled. Ultimately it’s our beliefs that do this. Now don’t get me wrong. Religion does serve a purpose. Without it we would murder, rape and kill each other with no regard for life. We would be animals. Think about this a moment.
Why is it you don’t hit that guy that cut in front of you in line? What keeps you from seducing your best friend’s wife? Some may say they aren’t religious. That the law, at least as far as hitting the guy, says they can’t. But who wrote the law? Religious people. The laws, separation of church and state regardless, are based off religion. So these beliefs have become laws we abide by. If instead the Bible told everyone the exact opposite of the 10 commandments, well then we would be murdering, committing adultery, stealing, etc. Give that a few moments thought, let it sink in. Try not to let it blow your mind though.
EDITED FOR CONTENT
I am seeing my Christian beliefs as devices of programming and control. I wish to free myself, but I do not wish to do so just to live as I please, regardless of others. I want to live as I please in spite of others. Be my own man, define myself, see things as they really are, not be in the control of man or society unless I choose to be. I choose to cultivate positive or null karma in myself and others, set positive intentions for myself and others, and touch the positive seeds in others. I want to be God’s Hands as I flow in my life’s course. I want to explore this world, the next, and as many other words, physically and energetically, as I can before I die. I want to choose my own path, follow my own path.
But to do this it is becoming more and more obvious that I will have to leave my former faith, and all religion, behind. I had already set the intention for this and began the process. But now I am realizing just what the cost is I will have to pay. I am unsure if I can or will go further. I am hoping for some divine or spiritual intervention. To project and remember my experience, or have one of those special lucid dreams. To experience and feel the truth of reality. Then I can freely drop these old beliefs and move on unhindered by them any longer.
I guess we’ll see what happens.