10-30-2012

So here’s how things are right now, and there was more than what I’m about to share that I wanted to say but I waited too long to make my post.

I have moved on, I am not “burying my feelings alive” I don’t think. I believe I am handling things as I should. But I’m not really feeling anything. Haven’t sat down and just bawled my eyes out. Not sure I am blocking, or am simply relieved, like having your tooth pulled, there is hesitation to do so, pain during if you are not anesthetized, then afterward the pain is just gone. Well that’s not the best analogy, a thorn in a sensitive part of the flesh may work better. Whatever the case may be, I think that is what this is. But I admit I am a little concerned that I am repressing my emotions. I guess I really expected to just shatter and fall to pieces. But I haven’t, at least not yet.

There is pain inside I think, but it is at a low, constant level and I hardly notice it. I only felt some pangs when, due to something I watched tonight, I thought back to see if I could remember her face, Brittany’s face, Alma’s face (a real person from years ago.) Alma’s was more of an impression than an image and the other two were only slightly clearer. But thinking back like that emphasized how alone I am now, once again, and that made me choke up a little.

As I may have already said, spiritual studies are resuming. Studying all sorts of things, even the magical path. Working on Raja Yoga, trying to do the first lesson, to see myself as a center of consciousness, thought, power and one other word.

I have started a forums that I feel will better suit my needs should anyone actually join. I will post a link here when it is officially up. I guess that’s it for now, if I think of anything else I will post about it. I’ll end with a quote, using my own translation of the original author’s words:

“It is only real,
If it never changes.”

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