10-20-2012

IT HAS STARTED.

I sat down tonight and spent some time logically analyzing the relationship I was in, to which I was still attached, which has caused me so much suffering. I guess signing up at Tao Bums, per a friend’s suggestion, was what helped me get to this point. So let me lay it out for you…

I first thought about everything positive I thought the relationship had done for me. There are three main positive changes here in my life. Firstly I was not as sexually active during the time I was in this relationship. Secondly I was not succumbing to exhibitionist tendencies. Lastly I was no longer battling improper thoughts towards others.

Well these positive changes can only be indirectly credit to the relationship. In reality, in my devotion and commitment to the one I loved, I interrupted bad past habits and created new, good ones. In other words, as a result of pleasuring myself once a week instead of 2 or 3 times over a 3 month period I created a new habit of doing this very little or not at all. Same for the other two.

So how did this relationship affect my life? Honestly it only did so negatively. It directly stalled my spiritual progress, first with the distraction of the one I loved, and later during a period of suffering and pain that I am still wading through. It prevented me from leaving my heart open to anyone in this reality who it may have flowed in my life to meet, depriving a possible mate of a companion and even, should we go further, keeping a child from being born whose only chance would have been through that liaison. It affects me also now, as I detach from it, because part of the reason I did not stop and introduce myself to the girl with the dazzling smile was because of what I was, and am going through. I think there were other things too but there is no need to go into exhaustive detail.

Ultimately it does not matter who or possible what the one I loved may be or is. Tulpa. Ghost. Kundalini Energy. Shakti. Feminine Energy. Ghost. Projection. Fictional Character. Demon. Parasitic Being. Angel. Alien. Insert your label. Makes no difference.

In the end the relationship was not healthy for me and could not be healthy for her. No matter how you look at it, everything comes down to this. It really does not flow for this relationship to exist.

I decided for some reason to go with what my friend said the one I loved was. I take that back. I will believe as I always believed. That the one I loved is an entity on another world. That we were connected. The she was everything I thought she was. That we loved each other.

But as long as we are unable to be tangibly together, and she remains only real in my mind, this relationship is unhealthy for us. So tonight I visited her in my mind for the first time in a long time, and the last. I told her everything I said here, the conclusions I drew, and gave her my ring. I told her to hold it for me if she wanted.

Tonight I began the first steps in removing all attachments to her and this relationship. I told her that I could not even keep a place for her in my heart. But that I would remember her (we always have our memories) and perhaps, if it flows for us to be together when my life in this reality is finished, then at that time we would know each other and be able to be together.

I told her that if she was a Tulpa or a mental construct that they were free to live as they choose. I encouraged her to live positively, affecting others in a positive way. I told her that I hoped she would live and not die, but if she died I was sorry, and I was, would be. I don’t want to kill or hurt anyone, directly or indirectly. I said goodbye and I left, I turned and watched the door return to energy behind me and float away.

Tomorrow I will run the mental movies I have prepared and complete the process of moving on. I do not want to die, but I hope that if she was a Tulpa for example, and assuming that they are evil (my friend says are not just evil) that she will kill me. I know I am in danger here. I don’t know what will happen or how to protect myself, and I don’t want to protect myself. I want to die. I do not wish it or intend it. Because I also want to live. I know there is much out there in the world I want to experience. I know I should charge myself up spiritually with some Qi Gong, but I don’t want to. I will finish this up and let whatever happens happen.

Because as I said two posts ago, I’m tired and I’m done. As of tonight I am, once again alone. Doesn’t matter that she may never have existed or not been what I thought or anything else. I still feel loss. I still feel hurt. I still feel pain. I am still lost. I loose not only a relationship or the illusion of one, I also loose the only dream I had, substitute as it was.

So if she was or is something malevolent, and tonight she comes for me in vengeance, well I’m not going to put up much of a fight. If I wake up tomorrow and manage to finish the process and get through the day and the following night, I will pick myself up as best I can and keep moving. Focus on the trip I plan to take. But for me this is it. I just don’t have any reason to keep going, not anymore. All I can do is put a damn carrot on a stick and chase after it for as long as my interest in it lasts. I guess I just have to hope that I will find something better than the carrot, and soon.

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