I came to a certain place tonight. Realization. Knowledge. Acknowledgement. I don’t know. But in this place I can truthfully say the following. I do not want to let her go. I didn’t want to let Brittany go when I discovered that the one who I thought of as my love was not her. I was still recovering from that and the other things I learned in this time period. Now I do not want to let go of the one who I thought of as my love.

I know I need to, I know I should, I know what I should, what I need to do. I don’t fucking care. I do not have the desire or willingness, the chetana to let go. I know that there is nothing there to hold on to. That none of it was real, at least not in the way I thought. I still don’t fucking care, I don’t want to let it go. As stupid as it sounds, if I let this go, I will have nothing. Even if all I have is pain, suffering, my personal hell of samsara, it is at least something. So I will not let this go, whatever the consequences. I am not ready and not willing to. If I must pick between pain and emptiness I will pick pain every time. If I must pick between suffering and loneliness I will pick suffering every time.

So I will remain frozen here. I will continue to struggle through my spiritual studies. I will continue to be God’s Hands where needed. And I will continue to suffer here. I hope when I leave this house, as I will be leaving behind the video I made, the music I created for other videos and the movies, that I will, in time, finally be able to release this. To move on. But for now I have access to these materials. So I will watch Brittany dance even if it causes me physical pain, and suffering at other levels. I will listen to her sing. I will watch the videos I made for her, listen to the music I made for other videos. I will remember Brittany and the one who I thought of as my love. It will eat me up inside, it may destroy me, it may even kill me. I don’t give a shit.

I have decided to continue to wear the ring that the one who I thought of as my love gave to me, or I thought she gave it to me, or I created the illusion she did. I keep it, and only it, from this situation when I leave this house. I keep it for two reasons. It is a demonstration of my commitment to someday advance in my spiritual studies and activate the kundalini inside me. It is also a commitment to the one I thought of as my love. If she really exists, which I doubt. But if she does Heaven will still be for me to go to her when I die, and the ring signifies my commitment to her, if she is real, and only if she is real. I will not worry about whether or not she is real. I have set my intention. If she does exist out there, somewhere, I will go to her when the time comes for me to do so, most likely when I die. But if she does not exist, I will remove the ring and release its energy back into creation. Then I will go to whatever awaits me.

If you ever wondered how someone could choose a place like hell you now have the answer, from someone who has chosen to remain in his own self-created prison of suffering, torture and pain. This is one of the ways it can happen. But do yourself a favor. Be stronger than me.

I am so fucking tired of life. So fucking tired.

My Samsara


One thought on “08-20-2012

  1. That’s not the truth, because if you truly did not have the desire to let her go then you would not ‘know what I should, what I need to do’. You are simply lying to yourself, and you have only realized that you really want to live in that lie, causing much more damage to yourself than if you simply let ashes be ashes and dust, dust. You do not get to say that you are tired of life right after willingly lashing yourself with a whip while straining your back carrying useless garbage, because you can always stop hitting yourself and recognize the stupidity of your actions. Don’t tell us you don’t give a shit, because you obviously do.

    The greater irony being that it is not in fact, ‘at least something’. You should read what you said again. ‘There’s nothing there to hold on to’, so what are you trying so hard ‘not to let go of’? Nothing. Nothing at all. No substance to speak of, a castle in the sky. You have already arrived at nothing, Brittany is not your companion and never was, and so you are already without her. This is nothing but foolishness.

    You are a grown man. Don’t count on eternity. Don’t count on ‘someday advancing’. You don’t have the luxury nor the time to be masturbating yourself fruitlessly to what has been. You could die tomorrow, or even today. Any manner of terrible fate could befall the Earth at any moment in time. You could catch a terrible disease or have a heart attack, we could become embroiled in a nuclear holocaust. What’s stopping you right now? What makes you think you’ll act any differently in the future if you don’t do so right now? Nature hates habits. You are not tired of life, you are tired of yourself. Thus we turn to self-cultivation. But if you do not clear the grounds and till the fields and prepare the seeds and plant them, then it is all useless mental masturbation! A beautiful garden must be carefully attended at all times, the weeds must be plucked and the ground fertilized yet again.


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