I came to a certain place tonight. Realization. Knowledge. Acknowledgement. I don’t know. But in this place I can truthfully say the following. I do not want to let her go. I didn’t want to let Brittany go when I discovered that the one who I thought of as my love was not her. I was still recovering from that and the other things I learned in this time period. Now I do not want to let go of the one who I thought of as my love.
I know I need to, I know I should, I know what I should, what I need to do. I don’t fucking care. I do not have the desire or willingness, the chetana to let go. I know that there is nothing there to hold on to. That none of it was real, at least not in the way I thought. I still don’t fucking care, I don’t want to let it go. As stupid as it sounds, if I let this go, I will have nothing. Even if all I have is pain, suffering, my personal hell of samsara, it is at least something. So I will not let this go, whatever the consequences. I am not ready and not willing to. If I must pick between pain and emptiness I will pick pain every time. If I must pick between suffering and loneliness I will pick suffering every time.
So I will remain frozen here. I will continue to struggle through my spiritual studies. I will continue to be God’s Hands where needed. And I will continue to suffer here. I hope when I leave this house, as I will be leaving behind the video I made, the music I created for other videos and the movies, that I will, in time, finally be able to release this. To move on. But for now I have access to these materials. So I will watch Brittany dance even if it causes me physical pain, and suffering at other levels. I will listen to her sing. I will watch the videos I made for her, listen to the music I made for other videos. I will remember Brittany and the one who I thought of as my love. It will eat me up inside, it may destroy me, it may even kill me. I don’t give a shit.
I have decided to continue to wear the ring that the one who I thought of as my love gave to me, or I thought she gave it to me, or I created the illusion she did. I keep it, and only it, from this situation when I leave this house. I keep it for two reasons. It is a demonstration of my commitment to someday advance in my spiritual studies and activate the kundalini inside me. It is also a commitment to the one I thought of as my love. If she really exists, which I doubt. But if she does Heaven will still be for me to go to her when I die, and the ring signifies my commitment to her, if she is real, and only if she is real. I will not worry about whether or not she is real. I have set my intention. If she does exist out there, somewhere, I will go to her when the time comes for me to do so, most likely when I die. But if she does not exist, I will remove the ring and release its energy back into creation. Then I will go to whatever awaits me.
If you ever wondered how someone could choose a place like hell you now have the answer, from someone who has chosen to remain in his own self-created prison of suffering, torture and pain. This is one of the ways it can happen. But do yourself a favor. Be stronger than me.
I am so fucking tired of life. So fucking tired.