Mankind is obsessed with circles. Circles and some deep psychological need to shape things like a penis. I won’t go into the latter but think about it for a moment. What is the shape of a NASA rocket? A Fighter Jet? A Skyscraper? The Space Needle? I joked with my friend once about this. But I am not here to speak on that subject tonight. No, tonight I want to talk about circles.
I am going in circles. Caught in the net of karma. Trapped in a maze of Samsara. Repeatably I keep listing to the same music that I listened to when I thought I was having a relationship with a special someone. I think about it and I can not figure out why I want to hurt myself and suffer so. There is something about that whole experience, something I guess I liked, loved, enjoyed, or which was positive in some way. Not sure what the case may be. But despite the pain, despite the fact that none of it was real, at least not like I thought, there is still something drawing me, calling me, to remember, and I just can’t shake it.
But this is not the only circle trying to draw me back. If there is a back, a forwards, or any direction. The other thing calling me is my enjoyment of certain things past, namely playing video games, making maps, modeling. Why I would ever want to go back and do those things again, enjoyable as they were, when all they are is some giant trench in which I would once again sink, wasting more years of my life, just as I did before, is beyond me.
The thought comes that it was simpler. Is simpler. Go back to ignorance. Forget about striking out on your own. Give up. Kill yourself or loose yourself in empty, meaningless activities. Stay at your grandmother’s house. Watch the years fly by. Stay alone, never meet anyone. Who needs to fall in love? Hell, sex is over-rated. You have a hand don’t you? It’s worked for you this long. On and on.
I say that these thoughts are of the old me. But there is no old me. There is the me I was and the me I am. There is the possibility of the me I will become. Two main possibilities exist. I will revert and become the me I was. Loose myself in the computer screen. Never see the world. Look up one day when my eyes fail, realize I am 70 or 80 years old, stumble outside, and wonder what the hell I did. Or I can continue along the path of the me I am. Slowly, ever so slowly, turning into someone far different, and hopefully far better (if comparisons were to be made), then the me I was.
I know what I should do. I think it is also what I want to do. But I still also retain desires to end it, give up, revert or kill myself. Like a dog with its teeth in my arm. I can’t shake him off, his hold is too strong. So I try to ignore this dog, chewing on my arm, and keep walking. The dog has all four paws in the ground and is trying to pull me back. We are locked in a struggle, him and I. I take a slow, painful step forward, start to take another, and have to stop because he’s beginning to pull me back. I have to plant my feet, wait until he tires, and step forward again.
It doesn’t help that there are those who tell me there is no dog. It is all illusion, it is all my brain. My mind attempting to control me, to direct me. Karma, Samsara. If I could open my skull and scoop out my brains I would! At this point I only continue out of sheer spite, I will not be controlled by anyone or anything, and sheer stubbornness. I didn’t work this hard at this to just give up. Also I remember how many years I lost to the computer screen. Years I should have spent in the world, seeing the world, fucking every girl in sight, loosing brain cells to drugs and my pickling my kidney with alcohol. As bad as that may sound to you let me tell you, loosing yourself, isolating yourself, in front of a computer screen is far, far worse!
If I ever am blessed with children I will be the only parent in town who makes my kids get away from the TV and computer, if I even allow these in the house, to go out and experience. I will allow them to throw massive parties and get drunk or stoned if they wish to. They will be well educated. They will know all about the various drugs, their side effects, what they can do to you. They will have had access to materials from every faith imaginable. If I have a boy he will know how to approach a girl. He will have all the tools he needs. If I have a girl she will have all the tools she needs to find men worth being with. But my kids will make their own choices. I will be sure that they never loose years to self-imposed isolation. They will experience the world and the things of the world, and they will be better prepared to live in it as a result.
I will remember the mistakes of my parents. I will remember my own mistakes. I may make all new mistakes, but I will not repeat the mistakes of the past. More circles. I will not have my children wandering in the same circles I got lost in for so many years. Christianity. This relationship that wasn’t what I thought. The computer. The sheltering I experienced, and all the negative consequences. Truly the best way to learn how to swim is to jump in the water, and stop worrying about sharks or how deep it is! If you drown its worth it, because far too many people stay on the safety of the shore. I would rather my children swim than have never touched the water at all! The water is life, experience. The shore is the safe, sheltered world of the place called home, or for some the place called church, or sanctuary.
Here is a question… Aren’t any beliefs we retain also part of Samsara? So isn’t the belief of Reincarnation just another trap of Samsara? Why is it that Christians believe in only one life, and Buddhists, Yogis and Hindus believe in multiple lives? How can a Yogi call himself enlightened, which I guess means he or she is free of Samsara, when he or she still retains this belief that they will reincarnate? On the other hand how can Christians profess to believe in God or Heaven then renounce the claims of anything paranormal or supernatural?
I claim no answers, I have only questions, and I intend no offense. I am not attacking anyone’s religion. I am still trying to figure out just what I believe. The idea of reincarnation seems plausible, but I see mankind’s obsession with circles again. I guess the day I die will be the day I discover the truth. So if the Christian’s are right, I hope I don’t end up in hell, and if the Buddhists are right, I hope in my next life I get out there, experience the world, find my own way, and free myself of these chains of karma, escaping this prison of Samsara. If neither are right, if you die and that’s it, the curtains close and the play is over, well I hope I have had the time to live and experience life, so I can die free of guilt, because right now I haven’t really lived at all. I’ve been dead my whole life. I would like to live a little before I am called to whatever final adventure, or lack thereof, awaits me.
I just wish I could get this dog off my arm and move on. Wish I could throw away all thought of suicide. It is so stupid to kill yourself. You are in essence assuming the life will never get better. How the hell do you know? I know I don’t have psychic powers, but even if I did I still could not see every possible future. It is unknown and unknowable, terrain that man will never fully explore, because by its very nature it is impossible to do so. For the same reason I need to stop assuming I will be lonely all my life and never meet anyone. I don’t know what the future holds and I can’t. At best I can guess at a possible, likely future based off current circumstances. Like a hiker who comes to a fork in a new trail and hears a waterfall to one side. They can guess that there is a waterfall if they take that trail. But unless they have a map, it is only a likely outcome, not a definite one.
So I will continue to struggle and fight to break out of this circle. I will be rid of this beast trying to drag me back. Why do I need to, or want to, relive painful past experiences? Do I really need more suffering, more struggle, in my life? No the past is behind me, and somehow I will find the strength to stop glancing back. It is the trail ahead, this new trail on which I have never, at least in this life, walked, where I wish to place my full attention. One step at a time…
May all your circles be broken!