So I look back tonight and reflect. I still have some questions, some thoughts.
If the one who I thought of as my love, later my wife, was not real, where did her personality come from? Was this too some delusion of mine, or was it real? Because for me, she had a definite personality. She was gentle, a little vulnerable, dependent, emotional and immature. This could be some mirror of myself I suppose, some reflection of my feminine nature, whatever they call that in Yoga (can’t remember the name right now.) But the idea that I fell in love with myself, well it’s too much to bear. I am not that self obsessed for one thing, and for another I would like to think I would recognize aspects of myself in her. So what’s the deal here?
As I listen to what used to be our theme song tonight, finding strange comfort in the sharp, knife-like pain twisting in my heart, I realize that I still retain many of my original beliefs about Brittany. I still truly believe that she exists somewhere out there, in her own reality, and furthermore I could, should I learn how, go to her, if I wanted to. I have just as much a chance as Alvin or anyone else, the heart rebels against convenient designs. But I also realize that she would not be the Brittany I once loved. Because her personality would be different. Some aspects of her, pursuing her dreams, singing, dancing and love of doing what she does, would remain the same. The determination and grace I admire, her sexuality. But she would be different outside of these things.
But for now I have no such plans. Yes, I still want to walk between worlds. Ultimately free to go wherever the hell I want. But now it’s just for the adventure, the experience. Maybe I am trying to escape. This world has brought me much pain and suffering, and I have never fit in it. But if I am to be with a female, I will keep my gaze on earth for now. I don’t intend to seek, to force. If I am meant to find someone (of if they are meant to find me) I (or they) will, and if not, I (or they) won’t. But how long can I live without? How long would I want to? Not very long I’m pretty sure. Back to belief and trust. Believe there is someone out there who is the ideal mate for me, and trust that I will either find her or she me.
For now I prepare for the journey ahead, should there be one. I still intend to leave during the first week of next month. Go out on my own. See what I see, experience what I experience, and when the seeing and experiencing is done decide if I want to continue, or give up and end it. But I give up all control. As a Christian I gave it up to God. I still give it up to Him, whatever, whoever He is, my Higher Self, whatever. I will not be controlled by anyone or anything, including myself. I will simply flow, believing and trusting. Should all this believing and trusting, this fighting, continuing on, be not worth it, I will end my life, whatever the consequences.
This journey ahead of me is more than a quest for my dream, for a purpose. It is also a test. The ultimate test of flow. If I am living, moment by moment, day by day, going wherever circumstances take me, then I should find my ideal course for this life. It will prove this theory of mine. Flowing in my ideal course I will be happy and all the good things life has to offer will come to me. Without effort, striving, fighting, seeking. But of my theory is false, or if somehow I fuck things up, well then I will only experience more suffering, more pain. As I have already reached my limit with recent happenings, the point will come when I simply give up.
So what will happen? Only the force that gives us life knows, whatever you call that force. I make no claims. I do not dwell on the future any more than to write these words. I speak only of possibilities. A man may know a future, maybe even many futures. But no man knows all futures, and if I was a betting man I would bet that no man will ever know this. The future is in flux, and whatever we see, if we see anything, is only a possibility. Soon I will discover what possibilities, if any, await me.
Things That Linger…