I am angry, and I can not find the source. I have little patience and find myself increasingly and easily frustrated. I do not know what has disturbed me so.
Considering what I have been through it may not be surprising. But I do not think this is the cause. Yes, I am in pain. My world, built of these glass-like illusions, has been shattered. I have no love, no wife, no child coming. Everyone was right, she was only, in essence, a figment of my imagination. It does not matter that they were not right in the way they thought. The end result is the same. I had someone and am no alone. I had a purpose, temporary as it was, and now have none. I climbed so high, but this last step failed me and now I find myself at the bottom, without any strength, reason, desire or drive to climb up again. But there is nowhere else to go. I may not be trapped in a maze of confusion, but I am still trapped. There is only back and forward, and as I know where back leads, having no desire to go there, I must climb again. There is no choice. I am without teacher, guide, direction, consolation, anyone to talk to. I am utterly and completely alone.
On top of that the date of my departure looms ever nearer. Again I have no choice. I can stay here and all I have to do is sacrifice dream, purpose, freedom – in short life. I will get a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. I can read and learn any subject of interest. But I will be unable to apply much of what I have learned. I will remain ignorant of the world outside. I will never find my way, my dream, even my identity. What have I to identify myself with?
Or I can go. In leaving I will be free. I can find my dream, my purpose, a guide, teacher, friends, someone to spend my life with. I can learn about the world and experience things for myself. I can apply all I have learned so far. I may learn more but I will not have access to the resources I have here. There is no guarantee of clothes on my back, food in my belly, and roof over my head. There’s no guarantee of anything really. All I have is a chance.
When I weigh the two I know what I must do. I have always known since she revealed this truth to me. I must take the chance and be free. This is the ultimate way to cast myself into the flow and find the ideal course for my life. Not destiny nor fate, just the best course of action for me at this time of my life. The course of action that in doing I will find happiness. Not that I am looking for happiness. This is not the reason I am leaving home. Happiness comes naturally to one who is in the natural course of their life, finding a way, meaningful to them, to use the gifts, abilities and talents they were blessed with. If you seek happiness you will more than likely never find it. Happiness comes naturally when you are on the right track. It is a gift. At least that is what I currently believe, with as open a belief as I believe in anything.
So I am troubled by what has happened and I can not help but worry about what awaits me ahead. It is hard to live in the present moment when such strong draws from the past and future pull on me. But I am trying, really trying, to trust that things will be OK.
I started with a simple thing. I wanted a guitar to take with me. My mindset was simply if it was meant to be it will be. I traded my receiver, which was not functioning properly, for a Gibson Epiphone. Much nicer then what I paid $50.00 for, and as a bonus the receiver went to an engineering student, who would enjoy the challenge of fixing it. They never took to the guitar. I have, and the guitar is only worth about $100.00, so if it is stolen I’m not loosing anything of real value. Just an instrument that I enjoy playing. My only real creative outlet on the road.
The next things I wish to get are a tent, sleeping bag, and a yoga mat that can double for my mattress. As with the guitar I am trusting that these will be provided to me. If not I will somehow make do without them.
So I am slowly removing my worried gaze from the future. I know it is impermanent, not set in stone, intangible. Anything can happen, and anything will. The best course of action for me is to simply glide along this river of time, letting the current take me where it will, and never dwelling on anything that lies ahead of the boat.
But what of the past, this pain? I don’t know. It seems a likely suspect as the source of my anger, but I’m not sure. My Sadhana has been affected as a result of this. I can;t meditate as long as I used to, and I have been meditating for far shorter periods of time than I should as it is. I’m having trouble reading the spiritual teachings I have checked out. Can’t seem to get away from, “Samskara” by “Randy Butler.” Trying to read Thich Nhat Hanh again, his words always sooth at a deep level. I imagine that when Buddha spoke others felt much the same way about his words. Hanh is as close as I’ve gotten to the teachings of any true master. Well maybe Richard Rohr too. In any case I have stuck with the 5 Tibetans since I started. But have been unable to do much else. The occasional Qi Gong Fire or Water. But no energy dance, and I find it hard to visit the one I used to think of as my love, my wife.
I don’t know why I am angry. It seems likely it is due to my suffering. But I truly believe that it is coming from another source hidden to me, and I am troubled. Unless I truly know the source, how can I deal with it? How can I let go of this anger? I don’t know. I write these words in the hope that help will come. The answer will come to me from the writing, or perhaps someone will be able to help me. I make no assumptions either way. I just hope I can get through this. That I can move on, find peace. That I can find my desire, drive and hunger for spiritual growth. That I can find reason, cause, and strength to grab the first rung of that ladder once again, and begin to climb.
As always I am left with only hope, belief and trust. This time may it be invested in the right sources.